So i was working last night at my bar when we received a phone call that the bartender had to take in the office. Once it was over, he came out and explained that some guy had just called and asked if we made fried Oreos (we serve fried candy bars in the restaurant downstairs, though not cookies), and if so, "i know this sounds weird, but" could we please fry an Oreo and deliver it to his girlfriend. Although Sebastian told him we did not serve them, the dude was persistent and explained how "it meant a lot in their relationship" and asked if we could "take the Oreo apart, fry one half and give it to her". He went on to say that he lived in New Jersey but that his gf lived in Alexandria, and they were in a fight and this is how he wanted to apologize.

OK, so not only are we getting waaay too much information about some random relationship, but he is calling a restaurant/bar. We aren't fucking FTD dude! Anyway, Sebastian told him to call back tomorrow and speak to our manager, who I am sure will be most amused to deal with this during our holiday rush.

So granted, I can give this dude points for being sentimental, but that is really where it ends. I am far more appalled at his audacity to call strangers and expect them to drop everything and cater to his romantic whims. I would be mortified if I were in a fight with a boyfriend and he called someone and divulged all kinds of personal relationship details to a random stranger (especially one who is not statistically likely to be sympathetic!), and then felt so entitled as to ask this person to "fix" the relationship with a freaking cookie.

But where else would people get these inane ideas than the media, specifically films or shows starring some boring milktoast girl who has maybe 1 strong moral stance on something who captures a guy's heart and makes him do ridiculous things involving lots of bit characters to win her over.

Gag me with a spoon, Heather!

Unlike the false reality of media, the world doesn't revolve around your relationship. Though romantic comedies have existed for hundreds of years, they haven't been nearly as indoctrinating as they are today with the existence of extremely popular mass media like "The Hills" (which is scripted and contrived yet presented as "reality tv") and "The Office" (which even I loved until this season, when Jim and Pam suddenly became a blatantly proselytizing how-to guide to the perfect indie relationship). The lines of reality are blurred, and clearly some, like homedude in NJ, aren't even bothering to question the agenda.

And it's not that I don't consider myself to be romantic. I am, absolutely. But I would rather keep my emotional responses (especially positive ones) pure and untainted by some widely palatable and often impractical idea of what "LOVE IS". In my opinion, if this dude really had a fight with his girl and it was that bad, he should wait until the weekend, drive his ass the 3 hours down from New Jersey (with his own goddamned Oreo, if need be), and apologize like an adult. Love isn't a cookie dude, it's you. When you lose sight of that, what is your relationship worth anyway?

1. a human brain
2. japanese hair straightening
3. this clock! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHO1JTNPPOU

more to come...

Jess is back!!! and apparently she is coming to my birthday party this weekend! score.

Here are some revelations from her brief stint as a prophet:

-Blessed are you, Mangina son of vagina, for you shall pass your tests and make me cakes. And I tell you that you are Nathan, and on this tampon I will build my church, and the gates of yeast will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of my Vagina; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in my Vagina, and whatever you loose on earth will be lost in my Holy Vagina. ~Jessica Maroclo (Prophet of the Holy Vagina)

-Nathan Elijah Jones,
This is the Voice of The Holy Vagina (queefing). Go forth and pass your finals. And with this, I breathe on you (queefing), receive the Holy Aroma. If you forget the facts of any, they are forgotten; if you retain the facts of any, they are retained. This is the confidence you have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to the Vagina's will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of The Vagina.
"Is any among you stressed? Let him call for the Prophet of the cavity, and let her pray over him, anointing him with Wet Platinum in the name of the Vagina; and the prayer of faith will save the stressed man, and the Vagina will raise him up; and if he has tests to take, he will pass them." -Vulva 5:14-15
~Jessica Maroclo, Prophet of the Holy Vagina

so i was racing my little ferrari on the facebook Speed Racing application today, as i am wont to do when procrastinating, and a particularly bizarre ad caught my eye. they are generally just generic or stupid, and i tend to ignore them, but occasionally i see one that makes me wonder if the company brings its marketing team in on a short bus.

case in point: Fringles.com, some dating website, which i assume advertises to me because according to my demographic stats (mid twenties and single, gay friends, "valued as a friend" on compare people) the internet thinks i am fat and lonely. As a result, i receive a variety of curious, albeit good-intentioned, ads ("get rid of that gross muffin top in 2 weeks!", "find out why he dumped you", "single with herpes?") as they try to find out exactly what is preventing me from becoming a heteronormative breeder during these peak years of my fertility. I know, i know, the idea that I would like to establish a career and enjoy life right now rather than trap a man and provide adorable ginger babies for the media to inculcate is unamerican, i am a terrorist, etc. But the lengths to which marketers will go to convince me of this reached an apex of absurdity today when i saw this ad with a picture of a baby bottle and the caption "Meet Guys Who Are More Interested in This Kind of Bottle".

holy fucking shit. i know they mean something to the effect of "meet a nice non-alcoholic who wants to settle down", but all i can think of is those baby fetish people who wear adult diapers and drink breast milk. Thanks a lot Facebook, now that shit is going to be in the back of my mind for the rest of the day. Awesome.

On your current playlist, hit shuffle and pick the first twenty songs on the list, write down your favorite line of the song. Try to avoid putting the song title in the line. Then, have your friends comment and see if they can guess the songs.

1. You know what you want, and that makes you just like me
2. with the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel go hard gettin busy with it, but I got such a good heart I'll make a motherfucker wonder if he did it
3. he's not vicious, or malicious, just de-lovely, and delicious
4. you flicker and you're beautiful, you glow inside my head
5. squared to it, faced to it, it was not there
6. on top of the world, I got a drink in my hand, I got my toes in the sand
7. Con que tristeza miramos, un amor que se nos va es un pedazo del alma, que se arranca sin piedad
8. want to dive into your ocean, is it raining with you
9. rock over london, rock on chicago, massengil, it's the name you can trust
10. i like to do manly things, but i like baby to do them with you
11. i never said i wasn't gonna tell nobody
12. ____________ love education, so they got to night school and they take Spanish and get a B
13. Within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight there moves a thread that has no end
14. agony profusely stains the inner thinking of the brain
15. People say they heard about our deviation, but you never looked so good
16. She's an old-time ambassador of sweet talking, night walking games
17. I got bitches that do shit for me that you could never do, they suck me, fuck me, and give me money too
18. 99 years underneath that ground I can't forget the day I shot that bad bitch down, Come on you've gotta listen unto me, lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be
19. You give me miles and miles of mountains and I'll ask for the sea
20. Tell me why oh why do we deny the chains of Babylon are all in our mind

So I was thinking about it the other day, and I realized that I do have a good reason why I haven't added any updates to my latest series (From the Mouth of Jess) lately. There is plenty of good material, but over the past 8 months or so I have come to know her (and her psyche), and I will just say that we have some different ideas about how to treat others and live our lives. It didn't seem right to me to post about someone toward whom my feelings are pretty ambivalent. This series is about humor, not libel, and I definitely do not want it interpreted in any other way.

However, since I still find this shit hilarious, and tend to give people the benefit of the doubt (i.e. she is still my friend), I have decided to continue sharing the eloquent depravity with which she graces the world (or more specifically, her facebook friends). Enjoy.

"I feel faint. For a moment it was like I was floating in limbo with all my aborted babies."

"My heart is made of cold, black, rotting ice."

"He's so hot...I'd let him rape me and punch me a little!"

"Just don't shoot it in my hair. I have a date tomorrow." (this phrase has actually made its way into mine and my friends' daily lexicon, you'd be surprised how many situations it can be analagous to!)

"... so sad, so so sad, state college is literally blowing away in a storm right now... as i type to you. this might be the last time we ever speak christy, i just wanted to say, that i love, and i wish i would have eaten your vagina in the woods when i had the chance. :*P tell my mom i love her, and that im sorry i had sex with my dad all those years."

since the whole Lesbian Sister thing kind of fell to the wayside (mostly because i never see her online anymore) I think I am going to start a new blog series: From the Mouth of Jess. it will be mostly based on conversations and facebook wall posts, as a loving tribute to a girl who may or may not have tourettes. They will not require any commentary, though i may post a little bit of background explanation. Also bear in mind that these were not emails, but rather posts left on mine and other people's profiles for everyone to read. Personally, I think that makes them that much better.

So without further ado, here are your gems for the day:

1. (this was in response to the following wall post i left her: Gemini May 21 - June 21: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
haha yesssss)
"hhahaha, yeaaaa, so funny that you send me that, cause me and nathan are working out how im going to fuck these 5 guys over the next 2 weeks and not have it blow up in my face!!! cum visit this weekend (lol cum)"

2. (her response, when i told her she was my favorite and asked how her goals were coming along)

"now you are going to jinx me! im going to fall onto a dick, and then get jen*gina!!! :O. PSSSSSS***** omg that boy bill, he came to visit me at work last night with his best friend. and when he was at the bar, i went to our friend, and i was like "is bill fucking any one right now?!?!" and curt (our friend) was like "naw". and i was like "yeaaaa". and so then i went back to the table later, when i KNEW that curt had said something to bill, and i was like "bill, is curt spreading rumors about me again??" and he was like "haha" and then when they were leaving i gave curt a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and then i gave bill a hug and a kiss on the mouth ANDDDDD TO MAKE IT ALL SOOO AMAZING, TWO of the other five guys were there at the bar when i kissed bill! AWSOME! cant wait to see you on the 29th "

3. (and as she moved along in her goals...)
"omg! well im not on 3 from my list, but yet again, i fucked some kid who nathan wanted to fuck so bad!!! and i only did it cause he wanted to do the kid! yessssssssssss."

4. (this was on Nathan's wall, i am not sure of the entire backstory but it can be appreciated regardless)
"
its too bad you so had the chance to give me white lip last night, annnnnnnd you didnt! that must mean you love me, and it must mean you're str8 cause you cuddled with me and touched my body and pulled out your cotton pickin whip when i asked you to fuck me like a slave master would.
oh, and dont forget, to tell all the guys you know that i love being raped and that they should dangle a cage and put cake under it to trap me after work.
by the way, way to get me fired, YET A-gain. you damn honky, white lip bastard. if i dont lay joe in my bed with in the next two weeks, he's gay and he's all yours. do you know who we forgot to gang bang?? HoTT muscle boy with the blue shirt!!!"

She is awesome.

Dearest Cory,

I don't know what I can say about you that you haven't already drunkenly and indignantly slurred to various bitches/haters in the bars of DC, but I will certainly try my best.
Our love affair began 8 long, platonic years ago when we met in Senior AP English. You were initially repelled by my black hair and clothing, but, always the opportunist, you perked right up when Ms. Wilson announced that i had transferred from a ritzy Catholic school in DC. A few days later, you came down off your Banana Republic high horse and initiated conversation with the "freaky new rich girl", and we quickly realized that we had a few things in common: a private school background, a love of clubbing, and a general air of snobbish superiority amongst the Calvert County natives. From there we forged a friendship as i slowly moved over to the "cool section" of class and tried to set you up with girls whom you would "mysteriously" befriend but sexually reject. I was glad to have a companion on my various road trips back to DC, where we would partake in such exciting activities as sneaking booze and 12-inch hoagies into movie theaters and accidentally going to "Bondage/Asian night" in our early-clubgoing naievete (just remember, Florida to U to Connecticut!). Only YOU would make me come tuxedo shopping with you for a prom you weren't taking me to, but then again you are probably the only person I would let get away with something like that :). Plus, we both know I was way too busy trying to have sex with college guys to care about Senior Prom.
When we went off to college we went our separate ways-- I went to Penn State to become a club kid/psychologist, and you went to Maryland to become a frat boy/ambiguous gay/what the fuck was your major again?? However, I was most pleased when we would randomly meet up to indulge in drunken revelry at Nation, and when you came out fully i did not judge your meth habit, your slutty ways, or your frosted tips.
We finally started hanging out on the regular again when you got your apartment at the Claridge House, aka the Cock Pit. For the next 3 years that place was my second home, and I saw it through various incarnations of furniture, paint, ashtrays *ahem*, obnoxious roommates, computers, and bathroom decor. We would dance in front of your giant 7th-story bay windows in various states of undress to the latest songs you had downloaded, all the while getting so drunk we could only stumble out to the bars for an hour at most. And really, I would admire/pity anyone who could handle the full-impact trainwreck that is "Christ-nelius" for longer than that.
Whenever i wanted to pregame while looking seductively at myself in the mirror and being dry-humped to Johnny McGovern's "Soccer Practice", I came to your house. When i broke my ankle and you told me to "suck it up and be a diva", i hobbled back there only to realize i didn't have a key and instead peed in your bushes. Whenever i met a new friend or boyfriend, i would bring him over for an initiation into "our world" of gay music, bar-hopping, and forcible ass-grinding. Some of them ran screaming, never to return (Andy), while some of them took it like a man and decked you in the middle of 17th street (Jim).
When you had to move out of DC and that apartment it was heartbreaking for both of us, and despite my best efforts I couldn't afford to buy it. Luckily for us though, we have managed to take over most places we end up (Dom's house, Paolo's, the back stage at the Black Cat) and essentially OWN THAT SHIT.
Now that you are leaving though, I sort of feel like I need to re-evaluate why I am staying here. So much of why i love this city is because of you and everything we have done. The State Christmas Tree Roast, Showtune Sundays and brunch, making fun of people in Dupont, shopping in Georgetown with a Nalgene full of "water", blacking out at Pride (and Youth Pride, because you're such a cougar), admiring the architecture on Embassy Row, and of course all our nights at JR's/Gaypex/Cobalt... none of that will be the same without you. I can only have the bittersweet hope that your move to Chicago will just give us another town to rock the face off of, and me another excuse to travel and avoid reality. We have had ups and downs like a crazy codependant couple, but I will miss you and the way you insist on holding my hand in public despite the potential tricks who may be in our midst.
I guess there is nothing else to say except I love you!!!!

- decide on pix for website
- update website
- look for jobs and send out at least 5 resumes
- help TJ and Claire make a budget
- start looking for a new car
- find a going-away present for Cory
- exercise every weekday
- book tickets for Boston, NY
- get tix for Tiesto
- find someone to go with me to Morrissey

hooray for lists!

So i was talking to my good friend Nathan last night and we got on the subject of his lovely roommate Jess, a.k.a the girl I am passing the Courvosier to in my picture. She is awesome on so many levels: she is pretty, fun, a fellow DC catholic schoolgirl, loves to party, and is pretty much down for whatever, but I think my favorite thing about her is that you never know what is going to come out of her mouth. I don't think there is any forethought there (even when she is dead sober) which makes her a very amusing yet slightly dangerous conversationalist. Luckily I am not easily embarassed so I can appreciate this to its fullest extent, especially when she drops gems like the following:

Apparently she and Nathan were having a conversation about the kind of guys she prefers, and she was describing how she likes her men big, beefy, and manly. She is currently interested in her boss, who fits this description, and she told Nathan that "I want him to fuck me so hard he carves his name in my pussy".

Holy shit, best sentence ever.

crazy clean-freak boss
stop fixing what's not broken
leave my desk alone

awesome 80's guy
mullet flows as you walk by
how was Def Leppard?

front desk lady, wow.
i don't need that much cheer at
eight thirty a.m.

and some more for her since she is seriously batshit crazy...

huge engagement ring
he dumped you ten years ago?
Miss Havisham* laughs

*(that's a Great Expectations reference, for the non-bookworms)

passive agression
doesn't work with me, change the
damn toner yourself

I just want to thank everyone who is in my life right now for being so amazing. I know that i have been stuck in kind of a rut for the past little bit and haven't been showing my appreciation for you all in my usual actually-keeping-track-of-you way, but please know that you are always in my heart and completely invaluable to me. For the past year or so i have had a lot of walls up and have been trying to deal with things completely on my own, but it seems like the more i did that the more i isolated myself and hurt others. i am finally opening up and letting people back into my life and it is really nice to know that you guys are still there with open arms, ears, shoulders, and hearts.

sooo i have had to get a lot off my chest to a lot of different people, which is ironic because the tattoo on my chest is about self-redemption and becoming a better person because of it. some have chosen to forgive me which is the most wonderful gift i could ever receive (even slightly better than laser hair removal, hehe). For those who are still upset, i understand, and please know that i will do whatever it takes to make it right. (andrew, i'm looking in your direction)

but enough of emo christy...

Luckily for everyone, i have vowed to travel more and grace people with my presence on pretty much a weekly basis. it is one of my 10 new goals (maybe i will post them later). Soooo, my people in DC, VA, PA, NY, MD, CO, Cali, the Jerz, DE, etc. best look out because i will be there to rock your face off. And you know you are always welcome in my sweet Mike Seaver-esque garage apartment here in McLean.

Love and lots of XXX,

Christy

I have been at this whole job search thing on and off since January, and I am trying to go back full force. Unfortunately it is really hard for me to find anything that I am interested in that:

a. pays decently
b. isn't extremely unpleasant work (sorry, but i consider "assisting people with basic living functions" i.e. eating, washing, using the bathroom really unpleasant)
c. i am qualified for

i have a psych degree but only 1 semester of work experience with anything psych-related. Once i graduated i was more focused on getting a job period rather than getting a job that would utilize my degree (although even if i were fresh out of college it would be difficult for me to find anything). The one place that seems to require both a psych degree and my 3 years of office experience is the APA. I have already applied for 3 jobs there so far, i got no response on the first one (that was in late 2005), got a call back in April for a job that I applied for in January, and I just applied for another one a few weeks ago, no word yet.

Here is the question: they have a bunch of admin jobs that i am qualified for, so should i just apply for them all, or will they think i am the crazy stalker lady and ignore my applications? I swear, i look at the washington post job listings every day, and nothing changes. i am sick of my job and want to work in a place where i am working toward something i actually care about. I am sick of working for a stupid corporation that i have zero interest/investment in. I really don't care what we do, and I didn't care about what I did at my last job. I guess tons of people are ok with that and can go to a meaningless job every day, but I'm not.

Although maybe i could do it if i at least had SOME incentive, such as a nice boss or co-workers i could get along with. everyone is really stuffy and conservative here, and there isn't really much interaction between people in different departments. Plus, my boss is a severe micromanager who needs to know where i am and what i am doing at all times. plus i am convinced he is functionally retarded, he constantly jumps to idiotic conclusions and makes the most ridiculous suggestions to rectify problems, and i constantly have to correct and clean up the messes he makes.

If anyone has advice or input i'd appreciate it, i seriously don't know waht to do but i know I can't stay here. Pretty much everyone I know has more experience than I do in terms of applying/interviewing/getting a job so feedback is definitely welcome!

has anyone else had the misfortune of seeing Marilyn Manson's new "heart shaped glasses" video?? not only is the fucking song a pitifully trite puppy love ballad TO A 19 YEAR OLD, the video is basically just him humping said 19 year old (supposedly for reals, double ew).

it just makes me really really glad that i grew out of the whole uber-freak-chic look, there are much more effective ways of getting your aesthetic across than wearing clownish makeup and leather chaps at 40. M.Manson is totally the creepy old dude at the club that noone wants to talk to anymore, and he knows it. Midlife Crisis say what??

So yesterday my brother Mikey told me he is enlisting in the Marines.

We had a long talk about it, and it sounds like he wants to get his priorities in line and start doing something with his life, and he doesnt think college is going to work out for him at this point.

I don't really know how to feel about it yet. i am really proud of him for wanting to get his shit together and being proud of himself for once; he has pretty much let a lot of people (including himself) down in the past for not being able to get motivated about anything. My dad let him drop out of HS so he could get a GED, on the condition that he started college early. Instead, Mikey took his GED classes but dicked around and missed his first and second test dates. he ended up finally signing up for the 3rd test and passing 3 months after he was supposed to. Also, he kept blowing off registration for college and missed that too. He went out to CA in January to try for spring semester, but only ended up signing up for one class. Nice. Also he was pretty much just being a general ass before he left, throwing parties in my room and not cleaning up, etc.

I was pretty wary when he got back from CA, and even moreso when i found out he would be living with me. He hasn't really been a problem though and it has been a few weeks. in fact, i was really surprised he told me about this because i really hadn't talked to him that much since he got back. Maybe he has just been thinking a lot and thats why he has been quiet/distant. Although he may just be scared of me because i bitched him out when i found out he was moving in and threatened to call the cops on him if he did anything wrong. i was in a bad mood.

In a way, or in lots of ways actually, i think this will be really good for him. he is the type who is really cautious and wants to have as much security as possible, and the military pretty much helps you out for life if you know how to work it properly. He is going to go in to learn job skills that he can use once he gets out-- he is thinking of going into heating/cooling repair or military police, both of which would obviously be decent careers once he is done. Plus he would have a good chance of getting a CIA or FBI job.

It still freaks me out though, I would never reccommend anyone go into the military AT ALL, let alone in war time. I definitely started crying pretty much as soon as he told me, but that was probably also a mixture of being really tired from insomnia the night before. I told him that he should vote Democrat and find out what jobs they need in Iraq so that he can make sure not to pick them. I know he is a smart kid and is really careful, its mostly the system I don't trust.

does it really mean i have reached a 'certain age' when they start sending me the Crate and Barrel catalogue? seriously, soooo much wicker.
i think the best piece of unsolicited mail i have received in the last few months, aside from a free Venus Breeze, was a brochure addressed to "Mrs. Christina Hirt" asking if i would like to send my troubled teen daughter to this catholic boarding school. the cover was all like "open carefully, a young girls hopes and dreams are inside". Yesssss